Jane M. Young, CFP, EA
I have met with numerous widows over the last few years to get a better understanding of what they are experiencing and to learn how I can best support and assist them. Below I have shared some of the most meaningful and consistent messages and comments I heard from these brave women. I hope this is helpful to both men and women who have recently lost a spouse and family members of someone who has recently lost a spouse.
- Avoid making major decisions during the first year. I think I heard this from everyone I spoke with and it is very wise advice.
- Be obsessively selfish, after the loss of a spouse it is especially important to focus on you and physically take care of yourself. Later, once you are feeling better you can help others.
- Grief is very sneaky, one moment you feel fine then it sneaks up on you. Expect some irrational behavior.
- Be easy on yourself, it is normal for grief to last three years. The fog will begin to clear after the first year but things will still be fuzzy for up to three years. This can be difficult because friends and family expect you to heal more quickly than is realistic. Everyone grieves differently but three years is very normal.
- During the first year you feel like you’re operating in a fog, it is easy to forget key dates. You frequently feel lost and confused and forget how to do things.
- Grief can consume hours and hours of your day. It’s hard to focus and get things done. There is very little energy to learn new things. It’s normal to feel apathetic.
- The loss of a spouse is a huge tragedy in your life. Everyone else seems so focused on themselves. Try not to get upset at others who go on with their own lives as if nothing has happened. They are busy and they don’t want to open themselves to the pain.
- It’s very important to take the time to select a trusted team of professionals. Your team should include an attorney, financial planner and an accountant, if your financial planner does not prepare taxes.
- Being a new widow can be very scary, it is scary to be alone. You have a tremendous need for encouragement and acknowledgement that you are making progress. Try to spend time with positive and supportive friends and family.
- It’s hard to shift from making plans and setting goals together to making plans and setting goals on your own. You don’t have to do everything the way you had planned with your spouse. You need to set your own course and reach for new hopes and dreams.